Happy Birthday fella

Happy Birthday AB.

I remember so many long rides and coffee shop stops. I remember so many days in the shaggin wagon, watching Office Space, waiting for you while you adjusted your saddle for the umpteenth time on a ride that was only supposed to take 2 hours. I remember drilling it home from the Weber Canyon Loop, or the Emigration Thursday night races. I remember Odessa's blessing and the race in Elko. Of course there will always be Gila, power spuds and concrete floors. Or Lotoja and the meal at your dad's afterward. And I'll never ever forget this (it sure was a long couple of days that I'd NEVER give up):

Race Report from March 2004:


Quick question: Who knows what a serpentine belt is? I do. Let me give some background.

The Cast:


Allan “French Press” Butler
Sandy “bike race + car = disaster” Perrins (remember that Solano incident?)
Johnny “two words: Mach 3” Osguthorpe
Franco Gardie “I draft better than Michael Schumacher” Jacksonini
and our team guests:
Jon Tarkington - team guest rider for the week; from Boulder
Ken Wood - our gutsy soigneur
Kirsten “sock girl” Kotval - fellow Utah cyclist



Sunday, March 21, 2004. With the acceptance of the Global Phone Sales Cycling Team presented by Healthy Choice (whew!) in to the 2004 Redlands Bicycle Classic, our fearless riders departed for southern California and 9 days of fun, sun, bike racing, and stories. Sure enough, it wasn’t long until the first of the stories began. As with any major race effort, there are often major miscommunications and after some backpedaling (off the bike, of course) and one nasty practice crit wreck, the team had piled into three cars for the trip south on I-15. Our thoughts immediately go out to Bryson who turfed it hard on Saturday and came away with a broken collar bone. We’ll be updating folks as information warrants regarding his recovery.

Sure enough as the cars pushed southward, the temperature climbed higher only to match the current gasoline prices out in the desert near absolutely nothing. Sure enough we were soon paying over $2.10 for a gallon of petrol and heading southward from Vegas (baby!). Now, if any of you has ever completed the drive from Vegas to LA, it is something you would rather soon forget. Astonishingly barren and hot, towns like Baker and Barstow are not the most inviting of human habitats. That said, as we departed the great state of Nevada, and headed up the first pass into California, Gardie Jackson rang me on the trusty mobile phone,


“Dude, you’re smoking!”
“I know, aren’t I cool!!”
“No, not you, I mean your car….it’s smoking!!”
“What, like on fire? Not again!!”
“you better pull over….”


Well, that’s a pretty close recollection of how it went on the highway as Gardie tested out his drafting skills and I began to test my patience with car parts, tow trucks and Twilight Zone-ish situations. At Gardie’s request, I pulled off the highway. Thanks to AAA, a tow truck was called. Billy showed up about 2 hours later. You would be surprised just how bright the stars are in the desert. As the team had continued onward in order to be prepared for the racing event at hand, Allan and I enjoyed a nice, romantic, highway-side evening full of calls to AAA, Jared for Internet support, girlfriends, wives, other tow-trucks, lots of stars and groups of 5 shady looking fellas filling water jugs for their car to make it over the pass. Thanks to Billy and A-1 24-hour towing, we proceeded to load up Iby (short for Ibuprofen - the color of my car) and off we went to Baker, the next closest “town” out in the middle of the Southern California desert. Upon our arrival we dropped off the car with Freeway Automotive and Billy placed two phone calls on our behalf. The first was to Danny, the owner of Freeway Automotive to be sure that he could address Iby’s little problem. The second was to his sister-in-law, who managed the front desk of Ailene’s Hawaiian Resort, a 1/2-star, classy joint in Baker. Sure enough the outcome of BOTH calls was positive as Danny with Freeway Automotive would be able to address our issues the very next day, and Billy’s sister-in-law still had a room available. Billy was kind enough to drop us off at the resort, where Allan and I checked in to their last double room together (anyone ever seen the movie “Planes, Trains and Automobiles”?). With HBO on tap, Allan and I were looking forward to a quiet evening of dinner next door at Denny’s - a classic staple in a bike racer’s diet - and the newest episode of the Sopranos. Denny’s did not disappoint, but HBO did. Thanks to a 6-er of Corona, Allan and I called it a night, ready to do business the next morning and get on the road.


Monday, March 22, 2004


Billy had informed us to call Danny first thing the next morning, so sure enough at 7:45, I made the call over the Freeway Automotive, only to get a busy signal. This remained the status quo for the next two hours. During that time, Allan and I visited Denny’s yet again. While at Denny’s, Allan and I noted just how bad some coffee in this world can be, and in fact that beverages like that should not be called coffee, as it is not even remotely in the same family as coffee. In fact, it seemed more like dirty water, but, yet again, I digress. We concluded the meal, only to embark on the true beginning of the journey. As Freeway Automotive is on the east end of “town” and Ailene’s and Denny’s are on the west end, Allan and I enjoyed a lovely 45 minute walk to arrive at Danny’s shop at just after 9am.


Now, Danny is the kind of fella that gets it done. Upon our arrival, the shop was closed down, and there was not a soul stirring. We noticed a small 1965-ish Winnebago parked next to the shop, complete with wires, antennae and the wretched smell of an outhouse all splaying from this “residence”. Inside, after about 3 minutes, something stirred. After a deep throat, hocking and spit, Danny made his presence known, as sure enough, he was just answering his own personal wake-up call. Out strolled one of the finest characters I’ve ever personally witnessed. Resplendent with a high quality Dunlop (email me if you’d like a definition), and the previous three days’ worth of grease on his arms, chest, hands and face, Danny was ready to get to work. He took down my info, Iby’s info and started calling around. Now, by calling I mean Nextel two way radios. That’s right. Here we are in the middle of absolutely nowhere and the local 50 year old mechanic (with no front teeth) is communicating with his next generation two way radio! I was floored. Thankfully it was highly effective and Danny had an idea about where to get the parts we needed. This brings me back to our point.


Serpentine belt. This is the part on the car that replaced all of those belts used years ago to run systems like an alternator, power steering, fan, cooling system and so many other operations I probably can’t list them all. Well, Iby’s serpentine belt tensioner had seized up completely and caused the belt to fray like a Christmas ribbon over scissors. So, by 10:30 Danny had determined that parts were not easily accessible and that it would be Tuesday before any would arrive. Now, Tuesday is the start of the race, remember the race? That’s the whole reason for this trip in the first place.


After a few phone calls, I was personally able to track down the necessary parts to address the situation. Kirsten was kind enough to loan Gardie her Audi A4 wagon in order to pick up said parts from the San Bernardino VW dealer and drive them 150 miles to Barker, where Allan and I were continuing our journey. My eternal thanks need to go out to Gardie for his selflessness the day before the biggest race of the season to date, and perhaps of the year. Allan and I enjoyed a short ride on our trusty Giants, back into “downtown” Barker, where we found a Del Taco to entertain us with food and lots of people watching. Now, as many of you know, SoCal is full of diverse crowds. This Del Taco provided us with a veritable core sampling of the finest SoCal has to offer. Each of us enjoyed watching folks ordering huge burritos, piling on the “Del Scorcho” hot sauce, and making their way back onto the highway to finish their journeys to Vegas or LA. Add to all of this, some of the finest 1970’s easy listening music blaring over the Hi-Fi system, and you’ll begin to understand the style of establishment we were enjoying. Delightfully full, Allan and I climbed back aboard our Giants and "blobbed" our way back to Freeway Automotive. Just about the time we arrived, Gardie called to inform us that he had picked up parts from San Bernardino and was about 15 minutes outside of town. Horrayy!! Sure enough about 12 minutes later, we informed Danny his precious parts were arriving. He immediately put a shirt on and informed Allan and I that he was headed into town to buy cigarettes. Gardie arrived shortly thereafter and we stood around just a bit longer until Danny returned. Now, after roughly 18 hours of waiting for tow trucks, service, and parts, we were getting a bit short on patience. Danny returned in his sporty black Mercedes and immediately got to work. Within 20 minutes of actual effort spread out over 2 hours, Iby was ready to go. A quick trip to the ATM for cash (as Danny can evade taxes that way) and the three of us were on our way, finishing our trip that had started 30 hours before from Johnny’s house.


2 hours later we arrived in Redlands. Finally.



Thanks need to go out to:


Gardie “saving grace” Jackson for spotting the problem in the first place and then spending his Monday driving across the Mojave Desert to bring us parts. Thanks fella. I owe you one big.



Kirsten Kotval for letting us use her car to shuttle vital engine parts across barren desert areas!

Mike, with San Bernardino VW for having the parts ready when Gardie arrived.



Ken, with American Tech Warranty adjusters department (my extended warranty plan), for his unbending understanding of my situation which he noted well over 50 times in 10 minutes, as it was perfectly apparent he had been stranded in Barker once as well. Ass. This company does not get my “glowing” recommendation.



Danny, with Freeway Automotive, for all of his hilarity, humor and mechanical skills.


Dad, for AAA. Enough said.


Jared for his cell phone and Internet skills.


And Allan for his patience, his humor and his support in the southern California desert.